[SATIRE] Iranian Government: Why Do People Expect Us to Govern?

The Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei addressed the country amid protests that have gripped the country for the past month. Standing on a large stage while surrounded by a group of moderate extremists, the Supreme Leader said that many people have demanded better governance in Iran, which he believes is unfair: “It’s not the job of the government to govern.”

The protests began at the end of December due to an economic collapse that has depreciated the Iranian rial to record lows. For months before, however, people had been struggling to afford daily needs, with some unable to even afford enough food to feed themselves.

Reports say the Supreme Leader asked his speech writers to include the phrase, “Let them eat cake!” in response to shouts that people are running out of bread – a senior cabinet member had to then remind the Supreme Leader that people couldn’t eat cake because there were no eggs left to make the batter. The cabinet member has since been sentenced to be hung to death on charges of being an Israeli spy.

The extreme conditions and endless stream of images and videos documenting the brutal crackdown on protesters has prompted many opposition members to publicly call for regime change. Among the most vocal opposition members is Reza Pahlavi, son of the last Shah of Iran. Pahlavi has tried to maintain a balanced supporter base in order attract the Iranian public and secure political backing. He has said he aims to return to Iran and rule democratically as a king whose power will not be subject to democratic elections.

Within Pahlavi’s camp are the monarchists, who claim to want a democratic Iran when the Islamic Regime falls. In their rallies, the monarchists often reject and condemn the Islamic Regime for the massacres it is committing against the Iranian people. “We don’t want to see any Iranian harmed,” one monarchist protester said during a demonstration in Los Angeles, “We are against all violence, unless it’s SAVAK doing the violence to put Kurds, Baluchis, Arabs, Azeris, Gilakis, Mazandaranis, and Turkmen in their place.” He followed up his statement by saying that SAVAK has never committed any violence.

Another main opposition force are the Kurds, making up some 10-13% of Iran’s population. Kurdish parties in the country have been engaged in negotiations to form a united front, and the talks reached a pivotal breakthrough this week. The parties reached a full agreement on all fronts, and planned to meet to sign on it, but the talks broke down in the final moments when party leaders disagreed on whether to serve coffee or tea at the meeting. Party officials have since vowed they would rather let the Kurdish nation perish rather than make them drink a beverage they did not like.

With the 47^th anniversary of the 1979 Revolution coming up on February 11, many have drawn comparisons between the brutality against protesters and dissidents during the time of the Shah and the current regime’s unabashed violence against demonstrators asking for basic rights and the provision of basic needs. However, the Supreme Leader does not see the similarities. “The Shah’s regime had concentrated all political power in the hands of a few, controlled all resources and made short-sighted plans that caused economic crises; and killed, tortured, and exiled all dissidents. We don’t exile dissidents.”